I wrote the following a week or so ago:
“The past week has been stressful and all-around unpleasant for me. I know what I need for myself, for my business, but time and circumstances are preventing me from doing what I need to.
I know boundaries are important to who I am, I know my boundaries lie close to myself. I live a large portion of my life behind a closed door, both literally and figuratively. But unfortunately that door, and the room it closes, are not soundproof. Behind my literal door, I can only feel as safe when that space is respected. Unfortunately it’s literally the only room in the house which I can make my own, or even leave things in without my privacy being violated. And even then; I know my mom goes in whenever she damn well pleases if she thinks I’m not home. Hell, she’s walked in without so much as a knock when I am in there. Whenever she does I lose all sense of safety. I need to know exactly what might have been seen, moved, exposed. I need to know any of those possibilities that alarm me are hidden in the future, or at least until I feel safe leaving them unguarded, which means the cycle starts all over again.
Another of my boundaries is phone calls. I’m not a chatty person, I like to think through the purpose behind the words I’m saying, retain control over the interaction. Phone calls don’t allow that; I want them over before they even start. I don’t like paying for them, I don’t like responding to them, I don’t like the anxiety of a voicemail that winds up being blank because people don’t hang up in the 60 seconds before the beep. I don’t like phone calls.
This last week a family member has needed babying in regards to a job I’m doing for her, over 55 minutes of phone calls, that’s $8 for those playing along at home. To earn minimum wage for that wasted time I’d need to send her a $20 invoice. In an average month of calls I initiate I spend maybe $2. Often $0. I’m pretty sure said individual tried calling again tonight; too bad for her, the $0 balance and blank voicemail mean I can’t identify who actually called, nor respond appropriately. Too bad for her as well in the next 5 days should she actually need something. My phone ain’t getting topped up till the first of the month.
I’m dreading tomorrow, it’s another ‘workday’ on that project. I already know it will be 10 minutes of work per 50 minutes of repeating myself, and 3+ hours of wasted time going through the formalities (driving, coffee, etc). I’ll be timing how much work actually gets done; because I’ve had to push other projects back to meet with this person weekly. 10 minutes of work in 5 hours is NOT something I can continue doing and stay sane. In all honesty I don’t want to go, but I want it to be done with. I can’t do this for another 6 months.
Get it done, get it signed, get it over with.”
I never got around to actually posting it, seems to be a habit I have on here already, the window’s been open in the background of my computer just sitting there. Anyways, things are looking up at the moment, projects coming to a close, people settling back into routines, procrastinating my work with a deadline in less that 2 hours, same old same old.